But first, I need to show you all something very, very dear to my heart.
It's amazing. I will admit that I nearly cried when I saw it for the first time, and I kinda freaked out just a little. I then proceeded to rewatch it about ten times. I have the song almost memorized.
See, uhm, Tolkien is kind of like the God of Writing to me. Without his work, I literally would not be a writer. So if you've ever liked something I've written, you really do have him to thank most of all. When I was very small, very small indeed, I read the Hobbit and adored it. It fascinated me with the chapter "Riddles in the Dark," and the Rankin-Bass animated film is one of the tapes that I look back on with total rosy nostalgia, and the Elves of Rivendell and Mirkwood were always beautiful to me.
But it wasn't until I was ten and I read The Lord of the Rings for the first time that I realized what was happening. Tolkien had created a world that I had unknowingly thrust myself right into the heart of, and by then there was no going back again.
Everything about Middle-Earth felt real and true to me, from the poetry that was peppered throughout the novels and the histories to the figures that populated the world. It was a world that glowed with life and light and good things triumphing in the end over evil things. It was deep and real and that curious mix of idealism with the dirt and grime of flawed characters. It was the kind of world that I could live in and love if given the chance.
Then, that Christmas, my uncle gave me The Silmarillion, and that added another layer to all of it, to everything I already knew about Middle-Earth and the whole of Arda. That was when I fell in love for the first time, and when I wrote my very first story about the elf I fell in love with. Yes, my first love was an elf; Maedhros, eldest son of Feanor, the only Noldo to stand aside at the burning of the ships, one-handed warrior with a gaze that sent Orcs fleeing in terror, and a well-shaped beauty with red hair like his mother's. I wrote thirty pages in a composition notebook long since lost. It was a bad fanfic of the purest persuasion, and a Mary Sue to boot, but it was lost before it could ever be typed or posted online, and in a lot of ways I'm grateful for that.
After that first time I picked up a pen, I have seldom put one down. I branched out, fell in love with other fandoms and created my own worlds to people and plot out histories for, searching for another world like Middle-Earth.
I haven't found it yet, but I'll never stop looking 'til I do.
So seeing this trailer for the first time brings me back to who I was a decade ago, and who I was seven years ago, and that's too beautiful for words. It's a homecoming, a circling back around to the beginning for me, the little girl who convinced her grandmother to sew her a silvery cape to match the Fellowship's Galadriel-given cloaks, who tried to walk as lightly as an elf, and who started writing because she fell in love with a world that she felt she fit into.
Seeing the movie itself will be something akin to a religious experience, I think. I'll probably cry and fall in love all over again and write fantasy novels and AUs for months -- maybe years, that Tolkien phase lasted through fifth and sixth grade before being usurped by the Naruto phase -- because yeah, I'll be going home.
*looks up at wall of text, breathes* Well, it doesn't look like anything else is going to fit in this post, so I suppose I'm going to leave it at that.